Barefoot in the Frat House

The thing I find most horrifying about this is that they apparently have a no-shoes policy.  Look at the pile of shoes by the door.  The white socks.  The one guy holding the bong appears to actually be wearing slippers instead of moccassins.

I absolutely loathe having to take my shoes off inside because I'm afraid of stepping on something sharp.  When I was a kid I read a book about the San Fransisco earthquake of 1906, and it said that because the earthquake happened in the early morning while people were still in bed, everyone ran out into the street barefoot and ended up with massive injuries from all the broken glass cutting their feet.  This HORRIFIED me beyond belief.  Way more than the tragedy of people losing their homes or dying.

One of the most terrifying cinematic moments for me is in Die Hard when Hans Gruber tells his henchman to "shoot the glass" so that John McClane has to walk across the broken glass barefoot.  At that point, I basically just want John to give up and let the terrorists win.  I've had it. 

SIMYP Travel Guide: Guide Books

Is there anything worse than someone who considers "travel" among their interests? 

In my travels, I've gained an appreciation for those Lonely Planet or whathaveyou guidebooks.  Yes, I know, I know, they're cheesy and hideous.  And of course I'd prefer not to use one at all.  Everyone wants to not use the guidebook and be carefree.  You don't want to be that tourist with your nose in a guidebook like chump.  Of course not.  But what you really want is for your traveling companion to be the one who totes the book and does that all for you.  Somehow I've ended up traveling with people who disdain the guidebook even more than me, which means that I'm the one stuck carrying it.  And you know what? They come in handy, ok? 

Here's the absolute worst part about those books:  after your trip is done, you're stuck with this ugly book on your shelf.  Taunting you even more because it tells everyone who comes over exactly where you been and that you required a guidebook for it.  Mortifying.  I've tried as best as possible to shove these books off on friends who've mentioned a whiff of interest of traveling to those places.  You don't want people coming over and the first thing they see is that giant white text on the thick blue spin.  "Oh, you went to Spain?!"   

Anyway, point is, we now know DJ Denim over here has been to Thailand.

World's Ugliest Chair

Someone just sent this to me, and I'm not sure why or what they thought was so funny about this, but I think we can all agree this chair is outrageous.

A Party Hero

So usually I don't videos, but someone sent me this one and it just resonated. It's 3 girls at a house party chugging down a bottle of sour apple schnapps. At first I thought that the joy of watching it would be to smugly laugh at the girls - when you hear the concept "three fat girls chugging schnapps", you expect to laugh AT them, not WITH them.

But keep your eye on the girl in black - she's literally hilarious. She's egging on her friends, doing funny voices. You wish she was your friend. You wish she was there at every party to encourage you to "chug that shit!"

She's one of those people who has the knack of making a really lame house party drinking in someone's gross kitchen into something really fun. This my friends, is a Party Hero.



Thanks to Clif for the link.

Half-Mast Keg Stand

C'mon boys, put a little backbone into it. You call this a keg stand? Is it half-mast in honor of your party being totally dead?

Good to the Last Drop

My uncle always does this uncle-type joke where he "wrings" the wine bottle when pouring the last out, as if it was a tube of toothpaste that could excrete more if you squeezed it.  This has always cracked me up, and I like to do it myself, laboring under the assumption that others find this equally funny (they probably don't).  The trick is you really have to add the drama - grunt a little and make it seem like you're really using your muscles as you wring the bottle.  Sell it a little.  You have to go whole hog on this uncle-humor to pull it off.

My Kind of House Party

And if you like this, please check out my new Tumblr, NSFFL: Not Safe For First Life for extremely hilarious Second Life p0rns.

Beer Pong Casualty

For the record, one of my all time favorite motifs in party photos is underage drinking at a parents' house. Maybe they're home on break from college, maybe they're in high school. Either way, it's hilarious to see their parents' nice home being full of shitty kids playing beer pong like it's a frat house.

You just imagine maybe the parents have some policy like "hey, as long as they do it on our home and no one drives, it's ok. Better than out where they could get hurt." Can't wait to have a teenager and lock them in the fucking basement where they belong.

Choked Up

This guy is choking on the fact that he just saw the "VEGAN" tattoo on the wrist of his friend holding the funnel. Sorry if that image just made you barf a little, too.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

If you're a party with a shitty drink selection (cans of Coke) and a couple making out next to you, your best move is to just close your eyes, exhale, and go to your happy place in your mind.

U Mad?

Two Huge Pussies Partying

No One Is Impressed with Your Guitar Solo

Growing Up

What's that, little fella down there at the bottom with your mouth agape?  You're acting as if never saw your mom take a beer bong at your birthday party.

Welcome to the real world, lil' buddy.

Thanks to Crystal, who sent me this pic of a pivotal moment in her son's child-rearing.

Most Miserable Man in the World

If you can't find joy in house parties in warehouses and pretty girls smoking joints, then my friend, you have earned your title as the most miserable man in the world. Guess what? Everything else in your life is going to be about 20 times worse than this moment.


UPDATE: reader Ryan G. claims his friend pictured below is even more miserable, and deserves the crown. Verdict?



UPDATE UPDATE! The photographer of photo #1 contacted me and explained that the two girls are lesbians. How's that for a twist ending?

Attention, This Is Your Captain Speaking

Ok listen up, people.  This plane is not taking off until a girl whips her T's out. I'm serious here.

Try It, You'll Like It

"It's called beer.  It makes you feel awesome and makes people like you.  Just try it."

Overdressed vs. Underdressed

Whether or not you think it's better to be overdressed or underdressed for a party is kind of like if you like summer or winter better.  The problem is when it's 90 degrees and you're sweating, January sounds pretty nice, but your mind doesn't actually remember the sensation of how crummy it felt to be so cold.

I think most people think as a general rule it's better to err on the side of overdressed, because if you're going to feel awkward, at least you'll look good.  But even so, it's hard to remember exactly how much it does suck to be the only one in a sequined ball gown with a daringly tantalizing neckline when everyone else is wearing their sweats and the free t-shirt given out for their son's basketball league.

 

I guess what I'm saying is either way, you're screwed and life is horrible.

Live Fast, Die Pretty

I guess she's got the first part down, but I'm pretty curious about her plans for achieving phase 2 of this plan.

Rad House Party!

This looks like a great party because they sprung for the giant sized Jack bottle, have delicious Suzy Q snacks handy, and have a cool collection of stuffed bunny rabbits in sunglasses.  Have you ever been invited to a BBQ where it was suggested you bring your own meat to grill, as if you might actually schlep around a raw steak like it was a 6 pack of Heineken you picked up from the deli on the corner? Nice to see the art of hostessing is not completely gone.