Me, IRL

Clean Cut Cuddle Party

I was looking for cuddle party photos in hopes of seeing some real unsavory degenerates, but instead I found these goddamn eagle scouts.  These turd nuggets are so wholesome with their white teeth and great skin and genuine smiles.

I'm pissed as heck and I am only consoling myself with the hopes that these guys have terrible shoulder bacne.

Worst Parties of the last 12 years

Look, let's face it: life is a horrible drawn out haunted hayride to the grave, and we're lucky if we have a handful of good memories at the end when the teenage headless horseman shovels the dirt onto our grave.

In this spirit, I present to you the 1st result* on Flickr for the search "worst party 20XX" for the years 2000-20011:

If you made it this far, I commend you, friends.   Happy 2012.

2000:

 2001:

 2002:

  2003:

2004:

2005:

2006:

2007:

2008:

2009:

2010:

2011:

*With a few exceptions for when the 1st result was a band photo (barf) or something totally nonsensical.

Maid To Order

This reminds me of that Ally Sheedy 80s movie Maid to Order where she's a rich girl who wakes up in jail in a ball gown and her fairy godmother has cast a spell on her to make her poor to teach her a lesson.

I remember seeing this on TV when I was a kid and liking it, but it's probably one of those movies from your childhood that don't really hold up.  Kind of like this girl started out her night feeling fresh and looking great, and then seeing pics later realized it all ended up all hot mess texting the ex from the ground.

Trailer for Maid to Order:

Soaked

As a hater of wet denim, this pic grosses me out bigtime.

Hunting Party

Rawkin' Rager

Abused by Lavender

I love coincidences.  I love it when it turns out someone you know also went to high school with your hairdresser.  When I hear something like that, I love to make a big stink about how craaaazy it is and what a weird small world it is.  I get so annoyed when other people don't act as impressed by the coincidence.

One time, waiting to board a LA-->NYC flight, I saw not only Anthony Keidis, Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World, but also a guy I went to high school with, who just happened to be dating a girl who sat next to me in the bassoon section of high school band.  What a star-studded flight and a crazy coincidence! When I went to say hello to my high school chum, he was not fazed at all that we were running into each other at LAX.  I was devastated. [You like that boring story? Guess what, I got a million more!]

So imagine my delight when on the same day, I get two photos sent to me by readers that have something very specific in common - a woman being abused by some sort of lavender-colored object.  In one case, the purple jelly dildo cocked and ready to strike, and in the other a boobie-biting menace in a orchid vest and tie. Kismet!

Thanks to Jeremy for the dildo pic, and an anonymous donor (who stole the pic from someone's Facebook and doesn't want to be implicated) for the nipple nibbler.

Me and Fred Durst

I made a new Tumblr of photos of fans posing with Fred Durst called Me and Fred Durst, and it's probably my favorite thing ever.  I hope you like it too or else I'll be really bummed and I'll have one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
Makes you want to break stuff

A Poem About A Party Foul

Hopes, dreams, wishes, falling to the floor.
Crashing, spilling, staining the carpet
Like a fruity girly shot dropped by slippery hands.

As I look down over my Miller Lite
As the liquid splashes from within the plastic cup.
I think to myself:
"Should've made Jello shots."

Most Passive-Aggressive Hookah Offering

Oh.... did you want to try this?  I thought that CyberGlenn and I were going to be the only ones using the hookah tonight, so I didn't put that much of this apple-flavored tobacco in.  But you can have some.  You totally should.

DIY Barf Bag

Depressing Bachelorette Party

The description of this photo is "bachelorette party", which just depresses me in like 1,000 different ways.

Pet Cemetery

I used to know this acquaintance, a friend of a friend from college (I'll call her Denise).  She was awful  - always complaining, never smiled, was kind of mean, and oddly unanimated, like a toy with run-down batteries.

My way of describing her was that she used to be a charming and beautiful girl whom someone loved very dearly.  Then, Denise died an untimely death, and her loved one couldn't bear to part from her, so he buried her in the haunted pet cemetery.  She came back to life alright, but instead of the charming sweet person she used to be, she was what is presently Denise. 

She was a pet cemetery version of a normal person.

If you don't understand what I'm describing, please use this visual guide:

Derby Madness

The Kentucky Derby was this weekend, and who gives a hoot because it's nowhere near as epic as the fucked up insane debauchery that happens at Preakness. They can ban hooligans from the infield, but they can't make people stop being total wasted jerks*.

Plus, this is really the only derby that matters, right?

*See video for "the running of the urnials" at Preakness where people get pelted with 1,000 bud Lite cans while running across the top of port-o-potties.  This is what classy horse racing is all about:

My Favorite Person on the Internet

If Myspace was "a place for friends", then Twitter is a really good place for "getting obsessed with people you don't know IRL". And I'm completely obsessed with one particular user, @casualmalexlfan, who never tweets anything about his (or her) real life, just jokes about Xbox, Justin Beiber, stepdads, Jose Canseco, i.e. things that appeal to my interests. I have no idea who this person is, I just know that everything he writes is 100% perfect.

The other day, he posted this photo, which is definitely one of those things that has been around the internet for a while, and I avoid posting those kinds of pics.  But this one is really just SO good, with so many elements I love (Coyote Ugly style bar, projectile vomiting, striped polo shirts) and I feel like I would be not doing my duty if I didn't share this with you all. 

So enjoy.  And take my advice: follow @casualmalexlfan.

Uncle Clown

When the Love Isn't Mutual

God's Favorite Dance Move

A few years ago, Reverend Billy Graham made this farewell tour where he "played" a weekend at the Flushing Meadows in Queens (where the U.S. Open takes place).  My boyfriend at the time and I thought it would be kind of fun to go and check it out; you know - laugh at all the normies who loved God enough to attend a giant outdoor public speaking event by a television evangelist.   It was summer, it was free, hey, why not.

In addition to the Reverend, there were several musical acts.  There was this HI-NRG Ceci Peniston style group that made music that normally only appeals to gay guys on several rounds of poppers cornholing in the bathroom of the Eagle.  And of course, Jars of Clay (my joke, which we told several earnest young people who had approached us asking if we had heard "the message" was that we were just there for Jars of Clay - aka "Jarheads". I really cracked myself up with that one).

The weirdest part of this experience was that I discovered there's this universal dance move that everyone, I mean EVERYONE - young, old, black, white - does to whatever style of Christian music is playing.  And that move is to put your hands up and head down and kind of sway. It's wack because imagine a 50 year old woman "dancing" like this to a disco-banger like Deborah Cox's "Nobody's Supposed to Be Here (Remix)".  It must be God's favorite dance move or something.

Also, God has terrible taste in music.

Jello Murder

I think people have the idea that Jello wrestling will be really sexy and flirty. But more often, it just looks like a serial killer's murder spree.