How to Look Good When You're Drunk

When I was in high school, my school had two different motivational speakers come and give lectures in the school auditorium. The first was an actor from Baywatch who was always riding the ATV and helping out Hasslehoff. He gave an hour long speech about what it means to be an American, which centered around a metaphor of a living inside a giant mitten with a tiny hole in the side that keeps expanding if no one stops it. I'm pretty sure this image was lifted from a children's book about forest creatures who live inside a giant red mitten.

The second was a guy who spoke about the dangers of drugs and drinking. Imagine the Chris Farley character who lives in a van down by the river - that's pretty much how he looked and exactly how he talked. The most surreal moment of his lecture when was he announced, "Drugs have caused me to lose my hand!", and began to violently beat his hand against a table to prove it was a prosthetic hand. The troubling part of this was that he never explained exactly how drugs led him to lose his hand.

I figure if taxpayers' money is going to these chuckleheads to come to public schools, then I should be able to get in on the racket too. I could instruct impressionable youths on the nuances of hard partying. During my intensely motivational lecture, I would use these two photos in a sideshow to explain the fine line between the right and wrong way to look good while wasted:

Right:


Wrong: