Monday, May 11, 2009

My No-Fail Workout Plan Acai Berry Rapid Weightloss!!!

Do you like to exercise? If you're reading this blog, probably not.

Let me share with you my workout plan that will have you fit and ready for lycheetini bikini season!

1. A night, drink as much beer as you can without being totally shitfaced, but plenty soused. This is a very specific level to achieve; you may need years of trial and error to get this down. Stick to beer, because licker might make you too queasy the next morning, plus you'll need that beer-fueled carboloading for your big workout!
2. Sleep really late the next day (at least 11am). Eat eggs, toast, and 3 cups of coffee. And remember the 3 H's: hydrate, hydrate, hurl! (try not to hurl).
3. Watch half of a movie on TV that you've already seen before. It's important that you've already seen it, because you can only watch half (doesn't matter if it's the first or second half). Portion control, people! At this stage of the workout, you can't be peeled off your couch yet. This will help you reach the level of boredom you need to get to where you're actually willing to exercise because there's nothing else to do and you don't care about watching the end of the movie.
4. Now slip on your best jockstrap, because it's time for your workout!
5. Go jogging. At a gym or outside, doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter how long to run, as long as you work up a sweat. Feel the booze ooze out of your pores. This is the only time jogging actually feels good and the only way to actually get out of the bad feelings of a hangover.

Easy peezy! Now you can banish that bulge and give a break to your friends when they're lifting you for a kegstand:


If you're not convinced yet, just check out this photo of me and the results I've achieved with my personalized fitness regimen:


p.s. Thanks to Brad and Ben for these photos. You win a free one-on-one strippercize class with my mother (BYO thong leotard).

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some things cannot be unseen...

Dave the American Platypus said...

This reminds me of how much I hate skinny alcoholics.

darlin_virg said...

We must have went to the same gym.... cuz that was my routine.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, is the kegstand guy the same as Tanned Cans guy? http://www.sorryimissedyourparty.com/2009/04/tanned-cans.html

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