Saturday, January 10, 2009

R.I.P. Sparks Tongue

As you've probably heard, MillerCoors is discontinuing Sparks due to government concerns that it was too popular with teenagers and its energy and booze combination was dangerous. Today is officially the last day that Sparks is being manufactured, although stores will keep selling it until the inventory runs out. My sound investment plan for this economy is to buy a ton of Sparks and wait a year, then sell it on eBay for a million bucks a six pack.

Personally, I never liked Sparks because of the terrible taste, but I'd don't like the government telling me what I can and cannot drink to put myself into a daterapeable stupor. Keep your laws out of my liver, Uncle Sam! I guess I understand that it's important to protect our impressionable youth; they are our future, after all. And lets be honest - has anyone ever actually enjoyed a Sparks "responsibly"? But this doesn't fully mitigate the sting of the fact that the Spark moratorium happened when Sparks had been planning the debut of "Sparks Red". We'll never know what Red Sparks could have been, but I can only assume that the red color is to symbolize the blood that will run in the streets as you go on a booze and taurine-fueled rage spree.

One of the victims of the great Sparks Prohibition is a "Sparks tongue", the bright orange hue your tongue turns after drinking a few. In honor of this sad day, here's a bunch of pictures of Sparks tongue. Memory lane has never tastes so much like orangey cough syrup.




















Boyz II Men "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday":

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

and the angels weep...

Allen Springvale said...

i am drinking sparks all night tonight. which leads me to this idea: pictures of sparks vomit. maybe?

asabass said...

I never cared for the stuff myself, but loved the radio ads that aired when it originally rolled out. They featured a suitably energetic announcer extolling its virtues over crappy, high BPM dance music. Every once and a while the announcer would pause and a new voice would shout "SPAAAAAARKS!", In case we forgot what we were supposed to buy.

sybil said...

you can't sell alcohol on ebay!

kdub said...

This must have missed NYC. Never seen it, or ads for it. I feel like I'm missing out and now will never have my chance in the sun with Sparks.

Anonymous said...

ahahhaahah thats hilarious. i have experienced the technicolor orange vomit.
RIP sparks.
hipsters everywhere will be mourning.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, this sounds awesome. So it was like Red Bull but with alcohol? Why do we have nothing like this in the UK? We have to make do with vodka red bull cocktails.

Boooo!

Derek said...

My corner liquor store has it on sale for half price, now i know why. I will head there shortly and stock up Y2K style.

matt said...

Is this where I get to pour one out and say "this one's for my homies"?

thehistoryofmyfuture said...

pretty sure sparks is sold in a 4-pack, not a 6-pack. just sayin'.

Katie said...

You're totally right - it's sold in 4-packs! oops!

Steve-o said...

Dude.... Pic #3, does that middle guy look like the dude from American Pie or what? :P

A S H L E Y said...

sparks tongue sounds like a bacterial infection, damn the gov't and their fear of young people.

LauraJune said...

wtf am i the last person on earth to hear about this!?

Mike said...

that is so fucking sad! Sparks got me through so many college pre-gaming celebrations, and actually helped me complete some papers! I'm going out tomorrow to see if I can still find a case...

Anonymous said...

Very easy to replicate Sparks. TVR

Tequila (3 shots)
Vodka (3 shots)
Redbull (1 can)

Drunker, yet more awake. Dangerous, and you'll have to comb your tongue in the morning!

Anonymous said...

it is now March 9th,And I just bought a four pack of sparks plus.thank god Im like the only person that drinks it around here!
But that's gonna suck when the arab stores run out.sparks is the only drink I've ever actually like.we should fuckin riot!

Anonymous said...

theyre still selling it here..in ak