Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Abused by Lavender

I love coincidences.  I love it when it turns out someone you know also went to high school with your hairdresser.  When I hear something like that, I love to make a big stink about how craaaazy it is and what a weird small world it is.  I get so annoyed when other people don't act as impressed by the coincidence.

One time, waiting to board a LA-->NYC flight, I saw not only Anthony Keidis, Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World, but also a guy I went to high school with, who just happened to be dating a girl who sat next to me in the bassoon section of high school band.  What a star-studded flight and a crazy coincidence! When I went to say hello to my high school chum, he was not fazed at all that we were running into each other at LAX.  I was devastated. [You like that boring story? Guess what, I got a million more!]

So imagine my delight when on the same day, I get two photos sent to me by readers that have something very specific in common - a woman being abused by some sort of lavender-colored object.  In one case, the purple jelly dildo cocked and ready to strike, and in the other a boobie-biting menace in a orchid vest and tie. Kismet!

Thanks to Jeremy for the dildo pic, and an anonymous donor (who stole the pic from someone's Facebook and doesn't want to be implicated) for the nipple nibbler.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Picasso, Monet, Rembrandt? Who gives a crap about those losers when there are shining beacons of the art world out there like Ashley, who created this masterpiece?

This is what should be painted onto cathedral ceilings, hanging in museums, inspiring the masses!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Beautiful Portrait

I feel so flattered!  A true artiste has created a portrait of me!  A lifelike rendering of my visage set in my natural milieu - at my computer, surrounded by empty wine bottles and a possible sex toy, wearing sensual delicate lingerie from the Dollar Tree.  Thank you, Chris Metzen for your subtle touch and uncanny eye!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Party Captain Is Not Amused

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Call Your Dad

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Me and Fred Durst

I made a new Tumblr of photos of fans posing with Fred Durst called Me and Fred Durst, and it's probably my favorite thing ever.  I hope you like it too or else I'll be really bummed and I'll have one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
Makes you want to break stuff

Monday, August 22, 2011

Babe Magnet


Saturday, August 20, 2011

My New Boyfriend

Guys, I have a new boyfriend. He's a musician, he's so amazing and talented. He's a multi-instrumentalist. He plays the acoustic guitar, the djembe, the didgeridoo, the hang drum, and he programs sick dance beats in Fruity Loops.

He tells me that his life as a musician means that he has so much love to spread around and that he can't be tied down to just one woman, but I know that we're meant to be and he'll change his mind! I'm getting a tattoo of his name in Sanskrit tomorrow!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Double Duty

Women complain about how they're jealous of men for the convenience of peeing while standing up.  But men will never know the delight of the surprise when you sit down to go pee, and all of a sudden you realize a poop is coming out. 

To men, pooping is a scheduled event - you have to make the decision to sit instead of stand; you have to have a plan of attack when you enter the bathroom. In fact, I bet many men have rarely ever experience the poop/pee simulcast in their lives.

Thanks to Leaf Dude for this.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Grossest Beer Bong

At first this made me uncomfortable because I was focused on how weird it is to do a beer bong while sitting down.  Something just doesn't seem right - it's not a fine brandy or glass of merlot.  It's like pooping standing up.

Then I looked at what was in that bong.  And it's not beer.  It's some creamy milky substance; it looks like either a bong of Bailey's Irish Cream or else it's some guy named Bailey O'Doyle's special cream if you know what I mean.

Either way, O'Doyle rules.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Goth Foam Party

Thanks to Genifer for this.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Hitler Sent Me Nudes

Two days ago, I got a message in my inbox from a oddly familiar name.  Adolf Hitler:

Look, normally I'm not down with doing whatever Hitler thinks is cool.  In fact, usually the opposite.  I'd go so far as to say I really dislike Hitler.

But when Hitler sends you a pic of a dreadlocked white girl with her nipples peeping you from her tank top gazing lovingly into the eyes of a man with clear panels on the shins of his pants, you fucking post that picture to your crummy party pictures blog, ok?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Party Hero

So usually I don't videos, but someone sent me this one and it just resonated. It's 3 girls at a house party chugging down a bottle of sour apple schnapps. At first I thought that the joy of watching it would be to smugly laugh at the girls - when you hear the concept "three fat girls chugging schnapps", you expect to laugh AT them, not WITH them.

But keep your eye on the girl in black - she's literally hilarious. She's egging on her friends, doing funny voices. You wish she was your friend. You wish she was there at every party to encourage you to "chug that shit!"

She's one of those people who has the knack of making a really lame house party drinking in someone's gross kitchen into something really fun. This my friends, is a Party Hero.

Thanks to Clif for the link.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

My Favorite Picture

I wish I could post this every day. I just can't get enough of it. Her spirit feels so close to me. I look into her glassy dead eyes and see my own reflection.

Ok, that's all.

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Poem About A Party Foul

Hopes, dreams, wishes, falling to the floor.
Crashing, spilling, staining the carpet
Like a fruity girly shot dropped by slippery hands.

As I look down over my Miller Lite
As the liquid splashes from within the plastic cup.
I think to myself:
"Should've made Jello shots."

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Half-Mast Keg Stand

C'mon boys, put a little backbone into it. You call this a keg stand? Is it half-mast in honor of your party being totally dead?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Good to the Last Drop

My uncle always does this uncle-type joke where he "wrings" the wine bottle when pouring the last out, as if it was a tube of toothpaste that could excrete more if you squeezed it.  This has always cracked me up, and I like to do it myself, laboring under the assumption that others find this equally funny (they probably don't).  The trick is you really have to add the drama - grunt a little and make it seem like you're really using your muscles as you wring the bottle.  Sell it a little.  You have to go whole hog on this uncle-humor to pull it off.