Monday, August 31, 2009

Baby Stoner

Thanks to Chelsey for this pic from her 13 year old cousin's Facebook profile.

Tips for Swinging

It's such a drag to have to check your coat at the coat check at the swingers' party; skip the line at the end of the night and don't bother bringing a coat at all, just show up in your underwear!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Welcome Welcome!

Good eve, my cherished guest, and welcome to mine RenFayre dinner party. As thine hostess, I bid you to please maketh mine castles thine castle. One last thing I bessech of thee - please useth a coaster when thou layeth down thy Heineken. 'Twould be a pity to stain the wood finish on the table.

I must bid much thanks to the fair maiden Blair for sending me this photo.


Will there ever be a time that a rosary fallen into cleavage won't make a guy stick out his tongue panting?

Fuck You, Ass Crack

Thank you to my favorite Wisconsin teenager who sends me amazing picture of her friends.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

English Hats

Sure, British people are easy targets, and I won't even go into that. But the one thing I have to respect is that they are a culture of people who appreciate and look good in hats. On this front, I think they rival only the Italians in hat excellence. Have you ever seen a Dane in a hat? A Greek? No. The French have the beret, but their range is critically limited.

It's shit like this party on the lawn of Buckingham Palace with a lavender explosion that outdoes Mo'nique's mama's Sunday church attire along with an old man holding a glass of Bailey's who uses his fedora to offset his complete lack of chin that makes English people special.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pass the Tequila

She's already got a beer can in her front pocket and another tucked into the front of her shirt, so I really don't want to know where she's going to store that Cuervo.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Worst Grey Goose Ad Ever

Back to the drawing board, Salvatore Romano.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Prom Mom

True story: In 1997, a high school senior named Melissa Drexler gave birth to a baby in the bathroom during prom, left it in the trash can dead, and went back to the prom to request "Unforgiven" by Metallica and continue partying. It was a huge story in the news for a while back in '97.

Apparently, there's debate as to whether the Metallica song detail is true or not, but what people really never knew is that the baby was actually born as a full sized teenage girl. Here's an actual true photo from the birth:

The 2nd Worst Rave I've Ever Been To

Thanks Lindsy for the pic she took.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"Disturbingly Lifelike" Is Not How You Want to Be Described

When you decide to drink enough to pass out, I guess you are implicitly accepting that your friends may drawn on your face. In this case, everything unfolded just as it should - the disturbingly lifelike eyes that appear to be open and gold glitter pen are some new artistic touches. Except for one thing... you never saw this coming from your friend with whiteguy dreads, did you?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

An eHarmony Match Made in Heaven

I don't want to brag, but I'm something of a matchmaker. One time I set up two friends on a date, and after a few dates, the girl reported that the guy was aggressive and left her threatening voicemails. What a success! It's like the time my friend Megan wanted a millionaire, and I set her up with this really sweet guy Ryan. Eat it,!

Well, I've done it again! I finally found a soulmate for our favorite poodle loving bachelor:

You can thank me in the program notes at the wedding.
Footnote: Check out the photostream of the Flickr user who had the black poodle photo for a trove of old found photos. Also check out their blog at You won't regret it.

Your Hostess Is Not Amused

Not at all amused you spilled your Miller Chill all over her carpet.

Strangely, this is the exact same face she'll be making when you see her at this same angle and you're spilling something else. You know, after a few Miller Chills. Catch my Tokyo Drift? I'm talking about taking it on the chin like a man. This joke is stupid and borderline misogynistic. Sorry.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sex Ed

Do you remember before you learned what sex really was, you had kind of a vague idea about it? You didn't know the specifics of penises entering vaginas, but you knew it was something mommies and daddies did that made babies that involved touching and you saw stuff on that hinted at it? This is pretty much what I imagined it looked like.

Stiff Competition

It's hard to outshine someone in with a silk pagent sash and red sequin gown reading beat poetry, but that's why they invented the talent competition, doye.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Another Mediocre Party at Zeus's

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Thinking Hard About a Little Black Pussy

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Hello My Future Girlfriend

Friday, August 14, 2009

Buncha Blowhards

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Man Day Thursday: Man Drugs

The most out-there mindblowing thing I've seen during my first week of 2 week grand jury duty (grand jury duty is when you do 20-40 indictments over 2 weeks instead of just one case) was seeing a total hipster undercover narcotics cop testify about a drug possession case. 21 Jump Street all over the place. Tight jeans and ironic haircut - AND A BADGE! The hourlong drama on CW writes itself.

I had always thought I knew undercover cops were easy to spot - they always wear football or baseball jerseys (very likely because they're loose enough to cover a bulletproof vest). But I guess I learned that it's kind of like what Adam Carolla says about people who claim they can always spot a toupee - sure, except for the good ones you can't spot and therefore don't know you missed.

In honor of Bro Narc, I'd like to get a look at some real men who enjoy some real drugs. Yes... I'd like a Man Day Drug Day Thursday!!!! SMOKE EM IF YOU GOT EM, FELLAS.

And of course, these Sorry I Missed Your Coked Out 80s Rager Hall of Famers:

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Poodle Party

I've been on grand jury duty all week, which is really cramping my usual style of sitting on the internet searching for fan fiction and wondering what would look like if it wasn't blocked on my office net filter. But mostly I miss celebrity gossip sites, even for just the 9-5 hours it's hard to be without them.

I suppose I should fully confess: I have an addiction to celebrity gossip that's beyond just the normal interest in pop culture. A while ago, I decided to give up celebrity gossip for a while month - no checking TMZ, no buying US Weekly. I deleted all the RSS feeds from my iGoogle homepage. For 30 days, I was clear-headed, I was more productive than ever. But after day 30, I greedily indulged in backpages and backpages of it. I was back on the junk.

I don't like talking about it to friends or family. I prefer to do it in secret. I use when I get anxious or upset; my immediate reaction to stress is to scan Perez Hilton headlines - like a junkie, even I relish the set up almost as much as the high - seeing the color of the pink background, the nervousness that my boss might catch me goofing off, waiting for images to load. My pulse quickens, then I feel the release - I can completely tune out every aspect of my own life and concentrate solely on the misery of others. Isn't numbing your own pain why people love drugs?

So imagine my delight when I saw the pic from this June SIMYP post as the "Caption This" contest of In the past week, three different people sent me this picture as a submission, which made me realize that the photo had been uploaded to some other sites. Which is pretty awesome, since really I believe everyone should really see this picture. Seriously. People should be forced to look at it before they're allowed to register to vote. It should be in place of a Rorschacht test. Parents should have an awkward conversation to explain it to their teenagers.

So please. Caption it. Stare at it. Consider it in the way it deserves to be considered.

Workin' On My Night Moves

Thanks, Steve, for this pic from your sister's Facebook.

Party in My Pants

There's plenty of people who sit around playing xbox in their underwear, and I don't have much respect for that. But if you've got special pants dedicated to it, I'm a little more impressed. And if you wear those pajama-like pants to social functions and parties, then that's a real win for me. Wearing your jim-jammies to parties is both showing your dedication to relaxation and video games while also clearly demonstrating you don't give a fuck.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

Wrong Way to Lift

This is a terrible example. You should lift heavy things like a keg from the legs, not the back. At least she has appropriate footwear.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Bloody Knuckle Fist Pumping

Thanks to Scott for the photo of his friends.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Man Day Thursday: Chub-a-rama

I'm always flattered when other sites post a picture from this blog, and there's no blog I've been as excited to have been noticed by than, a blog dedicated to the beauty of big men, which was pleased with my post from last week about two guys arm wrestling shirtless. The chubby chaser fetish in the gay community has got to be the one I can most relate to. Not just because I love fatties too, but because part of what everyone hates about gay men is the whole emphasis on good looks, and it's refreshing to see some guys who just want to love some fat slobs. Egalitarian.

My beefcake lovers, those who dream of love handles and beer guts, this Man Day Thursday is for you. Enjoy like you would a second slice of cheesecake.

Ha! Just kidding there!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Party Protection

You know that basketball player who wears the full clear plastic face mask when he plays? I can never tell if other players think it's because he's such a wuss he's afraid of getting hurt or they're intimidated because he's so fucking crazy and might need a Silence of the Lambs mask to restain himself.

That's my party style - either super wussy or uncontrollably ragohholic, and you can never tell which one it's gonna be. You can't tell if my beer helmet is because I'm too laid back to hold beer in my hands or if it's actually protective headgear.

Rip Hamilton:

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Sometimes the internet works in mysterious and wonderful ways. Today, two separate people sent me pictures of a girl shoving something huge in her mouth at prom. Keyboard cat, what magic are you playing on me??

Monday, August 3, 2009

Snorkel Vodka

One time I was at a party with my very drunk roommate and asked how he was planning on getting home, maybe we could share a cab. He replied, "naw, I'm just gonna swim home." Which is pretty much exactly I think actually happens when you're so shitfaced you don't remember how you got home the night before.

Party Fuzz Alert

Popo putting out the party powwow. Bummer, broseph.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


A fire this close to the house seems unsafe; I'm surprised these seasoned outdoorsmen wouldn't have considered that...

All Around the World, Statues Crumble for Lucrative Corporate Gigs

My friend (and maestro of Photo Cliches, of which I am an erstwhile contributor), Neal started a new blog, Songs From High School. Which is just as it sounds - people writing about songs they liked in high school. He asked me to do one, so I wrote about "Fly" by Sugar Ray. You can read it here.

And here's a picture of Yahoo employees enjoying a Sugar Ray performance at the Yahoo 10th Anniversary party. I can't tell who is the real loser in this situation: these Yahoo employees rockin' out dad-style, Mark McGrath, or me. I think a murder-suicide pact is in order.