Tuesday, September 30, 2008

How to Enjoy Sparks

A lot of people ask me what's the best way to drink Sparks, and I always tell them there's no one way.  It's a beautiful cornucopia of personal style.

You can serve it like punch from a fountain:

Or drink it with a straw:

But most importantly, always enjoy it with a friend:

Full disclosure: Sparks Brewing Company paid me $1 million to write this.

$1 million in pure liquid Sparks.

Monday, September 29, 2008


Google chat has all these "secret" animated emoticons like a monkey face and a smiley face with a moustache, but the really vexing one is the "Rock out!" emoticon which makes an animated hand doing the devil horns when you type \m/.  Yes, it's quite clever in terms of arranging keyboard symbols and letters into a pictogram (as clever as "BOOBS" on a calculator), but how has the need to express "devil horns" become a more relevant need in IM communication than "8=====D" ?  Google people, get ontop of this. I'll be here waiting with my safesearch off.

Everything I Learned About Sex I Learned at Soccer Camp

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Bum Rushed

One of the many problems with not being close with your extended family is that when you finally have a family reunion, no one can actually tell if a bum snuck in.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

This Isn't How I Pictured It

I bet when you decide to learn how to deejay, you have these visions of convincing girls in furry bikinis tripping on E that God is a DJ, and they may take Communion at your penis.

But then there you are, spinnin' some hot traxxx in front of a dry-erase blackboard.

Friday, September 26, 2008

While You Were Sleeping....

Cocaine gets a bad rap and all, but at least it will keep you from falling asleep and letting this happen:

Raise Your Hand If....

You're kind of sick of the whole art-robot thing.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Worst Party Cleanup

Thanks to Ashley for the pic.

Boston Keg Party

The two biggest downsides to growing up in Boston like I did is firstly that people are always asking me why don't have a Boston accent (not everyone does, duh) and secondly, the fact that I actually feel I can relate to this guy:

Roofie Tuxedo

It's rude enough to pass out drunk at a party, but to ignore the "Black tie dress required" on the invitation? That's just inexcusable. I'm sure he will NOT be invited to next years Annual Sitting In My Parent's Basement Getting Wasted Over Thanksgiving Break Gala Ball.

Thanks to Timothy for the picture.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Enter the Cougar Den...

Monday, September 22, 2008

Breaking the Ice

Sorry buddy, I wish I could tell you it gets easier when you're older to come up with an opening line to talk girls at parties, but it doesn't.

Lost Boys

You know how in Peter Pan, Peter's shadow runs away from him, and Peter has to ask Wendy to sew it back on? This guy's pukestain looks like his shadow is escaping him. But instead of needing Wendy to sew it back, he needs a responsible adult to talk to him about moderation.

Poor lil' sleeping angel just wants to snuggle up into his pile of barf.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Best Matching Prom Outfits EVER

I can just imagine the conversation with the sales person at the rent-a-tux:
"So, what color is your date going to wear? We can get you a cummerbund and tie to match."
"RealTree camo."

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Locals ONLY

Something tells me this is the kind of party where you don't want to get caught taking the last beer and you didn't even bring any.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Evil Twin

You know what's super lame? Positivity. Fuck these guys and their earnest enthusiasm. Makes me sick. The only think keeping me from killing myself is the guy in the red shirt's sideburns. His garish arrangement of facial hair indicates some sinister hand of fate playing an impish prank on the rube's unsuspecting face. He looks like an evil twin version of himself.

Whatever, fuck it, it's Friday. Let's go get wasted.

Teen Wolf Pig Pile

Ashely W. just sent me a photo of her friends at a party that ended in a pig pile. Or as I like to think, that's when the party finally began. I'm not sure which call to action is a stronger imperative, "PIG PILE!!" or "FOOD FIGHT!"

This picture looks like good-natured fun, except for this one guy in the corner who looks like a rabid teen wolf ready to pounce on nubile young flesh.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Make Out Sessions Pt. 2

An excellent photo taken of some stranger making out at a party, straddled over a puddle of vomit. From the photo's description:

"So, I was trying to take pictures of this kid, passed out nearly with his "gubb" between his feet. When out of no where, his girlfriend comes up, straddles him and they start making out. After a few minutes she left again and he started to drool and spit out more puke. . .I don't even think his eyes were open. . ."

Congratulations, Amy and Magnus!

My best friends just got engaged, and I can't wait to be sorry I missed their wedding because I was puking up my hangover from the rehearsal dinner from the night before.

Can't wait to do the electric slide:

Better make sure your guests have a great time:

Amy,I hope you get your hair exactly like this:

Can't wait to cut the cake:

Congratulations, you crazy kids.

Demure and delicate white flower (thanks to Julianne for this pic):

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Prom Portraits

Prom portraits always look awful. Sexy People is an amazing photo blog of posed portraits of people who look awfully good. See you in the Sears photo booth.

Ladies, Take Your Pick

Ladies know a sure thing when they see it, and there's no doubt they have their choice of these two guys to take home tonight. Mr. Plaid will probably gently cuddle you afterward, but he'll be super awkward when you run into him again 2 months later.

At first glance, Mr. WhitePants seems like the underdog, but he probably had an inexplicably hot girlfriend for 7 years that he started dating in 10th grade, and they did all sorts of nasty stuff together, jus, you know, exploring and learning from each other's bodies. He'll have some have some insane moves, no reservations about giving an rj, and can go for hours. Just don't let your roommates see him leave in the morning or you'll never live it down.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Are You SURE?

What is this guy, bowing at the altar the virgin goddess of pitstains?

Make Out Sessions

My main gripe with the iPhone is that the camera is no good for snapping pictures of strangers on the sly. For example, the other day a girl walking in front of me on the street had a lower back tattoo that said "Milkshake" in cursive writing, and I just HAD to get a picture. Which a flip phone, it's easy to pretend that you're just checking messages instead of using the camera. But with an iPhone, it's way more obvious because you have to hold it straight and then very deliberately use your other hand to press the button. And when you're trying to take a picture of a stranger's lower back tattoo, well, it's a little embarrassing.

The same for taking pictures of strangers making out - I love taking pictures of people drunkenly making out at a bar or at a party. There's such an intensity when two people just can't wait to get in private to start going at it French style. They need to suck face NOW. I just can't help staring and gawking, and I don't even feel guitly about it - heck, they don't mind. Maybe it's just that I'm jealous because no one wants to make out with me in a bar because I have really bad cold sores and chronic halitosis. I'm hoping things will change once I get my adult braces off and the Acutane kicks in.

Thank god there's other like minded people out there who can't resist taking photos of drunk couples making out for me to lurk in the privacy of my own home.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Princess Cruise Employee Party

Working on a cruise ship must really suck. You're stuck on the boat for weeks at a time; you can't call in sick or run to CVS to buy Monostat or even get away from your coworkers for a few hours. The company Christmas party must be an untenable crucible of employee tensions.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

UPDATE: Party Crew

A few days ago, I posted a picture titled "Party Crew". Just now, the guy whose picture it was commented on the post with a link to one of his other photos, also of a couple of guys who may have had a few donuts too many, but still clearly know how to have a good time.

Here he is again at a pool party. You know how people always say that confidence is the sexiest attribute a person can have? Q.E.D., my friends.

Babes Love to Party

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Being Secretive on the Internet

What I find most fascinating about party pictures on Flickr is that people are completely willing to make their photos totally public to anyone with an internet connection, especially since many party pictures show bad behavior or questionable judgment. I don't want to sound like a fuddyduddy, but teenagers really have to step their game up in the hiding-secrets-from-your-parents front. It's not like the internet is some secret playground your parents have never heard of.

On Flickr, I see at lot of pictures of teenagers drinking in what is clearly their parents' house. Not sneaky at all! Kids, you have to remember that parents are like the USSR during the Cold War and you're the U.S. You have to keep your activity top secret from them on pain of death. The internet is like the Ethel Rosenberg of party secrets - a double agent who will betray you and spill everything to the enemy.

Thanks to Bruce for this photo (F.Y.I. teen girls, guys like "Bruce" are trolling your photostreams...).

The Future Apocalypse Will Be Formal Dress Only

Friday, September 12, 2008

Awkward Hotel Hot Tub Party

This guys-only trip to Vegas turned out to be a little different than imagined. Do you think the black Sparks came from the minifridge?

Thanks to Matthew for the photo!

Jaeger Meister

Polio once had a party and drank a whole bottle of Jaegermeister and barfed all over his roof (sorry Polio). At this same party, I was waiting in line for the bathroom and noticed a used condom lying just outside the bathroom door. I pointed this out to the guy behind me in line. He picked it up, smiled at me, and then slingshotted it like a rubber band across the room, splattering partygoers with semen. I found out that guy died by falling off a roof at a party a few months later.

When you think about how much pain and death and suffering there is in this world, don't you just wish you had a bikini-clad woman to pour enough booze down your gullet to blot all the horror away for even just a little while?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Grad Night Party

This is the party where the chubby kid convinces the other two that it's their last night before graduation, and they really have to live it up by sneaking into the girls' locker room to sniff the cheerleaders' panties.

Party Crew

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Suck On This

It doesn't work as well as garlic or holy water, but you can distract a vampire long enough to escape by giving it a keg tap to suck on.

"You Embarrassed Me at My Sister's Wedding!!"

Relationship dealbreaker in progress.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Kick Out the Party Jams

The "Fun" Aunt

Your unmarried aunt is awesome when you're young, because she's the one who will take you to see R-rated movies, and she's way less embarrassing than your real mom when she takes you and your friends to the mall. But when you both start to get older, it gets a little weird and you start to realize that "fun" just means lonely alcoholic.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sorry I Missed Your Renn Faire Wedding

The happy couple is registered at Ye Olde Crushed Velvet Shoppe and Wiccans-Sonoma.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Extreme Filthy Bachelorpad Makeover

You know how on "Pimp My Ride", they find out one hobby or thing about the person, like "I like fish" and they run with that theme? This is like if these guys were on a redecorating show, and their theme was "we like getting high and drinking beer". Throw up some colorful Moosehead beer wallpaper, add a taupe butterfly chair, add intriguing details like the lightblue bong in the foreground and shitty stereo, and voila! Boy, were these guys psyched when they saw the results!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Teen Lust

People make a big fuss about 17 year olds getting pregnant, but they're not considering just to what degree 17 year olds are just walking around DARING you not to make a baby inside them.

Old Lady in an Inner Tube Doing a Beer Bong

I can't really explain it any better.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Guitar Wedding Cake

This is what compromise you get when you try to explain to your girlfriend of 5 years that you're "married to your music".

See Cake Wrecks for more tragic professional cakes.