Monday, May 31, 2010

Happy Memorial Day

Guess what I'm going right now? Sitting at home on the internet when I should be taking a running leap off a dock to chase down a keg. Where can I get my grubby hands on a dock and a keg? I haven't seen a dock since those old Country Time Lemonade commercials.

May a merciful Allah strike me down dead and put me out of my misery.

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I couldn't find the ad I was thinking of (from the late 90s maybe), but I found a lot of teenagers who apparently made their own horrible spec ads. Is this like.... a THING?





Friday, May 28, 2010

Cat Party

Someone just sent me this photo with the description, "picture from my roommate's cat party."

Look, if you're roommate is throwing a party, it's kind of your party, too, right? Don't try to distance yourself from the Cat Party. It's a pretty great theme for a party.

The gender of the person who sent me the photo wasn't clear, and I'm having a hard time guessing if this is a male or female apartment. The bare walls, TV on the floor with cords hanging everywhere, tan couch the same color as the carpet, and indistrustrial window blinds scream "MAN HOUSE". But throwing a party where everyone dresses up as a cat? That's a lady idea.

I just like the guest of honor chilling on the back of the sofa. Ain't gonna be woken from his dreamy little cat nap by these screaming girls.

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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Party Till You Puke

Boy, I can't wait to get started on this awesome long weekend.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Clarification

I don't know if this comes across clearly enough on this blog, but I just seriously hate People.  Let's say alien invaders came to Earth and wanted to destroy us, and I was nominated to be the negotiator of peace with them (a scenario I envision often).    I would show them pictures of dads teaching kids how to ride bikes, and play them Beethoven's 3rd and Katt Williams's bit about haters.  And they would come back at me with a copy of Pete Wentz's checking account statement and this photo below, and I'd say "Fuck it,  fire up the lasers and kill us all."

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Juggalo Cocktail Hour

Faygo and Tanqueray?
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Friday, May 21, 2010

MILF Rave

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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Weedivore

I'm not overly squeamish about the idea of killing for food; I've seen those PETA videos about how gross meat packing plants are where you're supposed to be like "omg I'll never eat meat again!" and was kind of like "meh".  To be honest, this makes me a little more to ralph (warning xxxtremely NSFW). Hakuna matata, big who cares. 

But I'll tell you this:  if you slaughter a chicken right next to my bong, I will have a case of the heebie-jeebes about taking a big rip right off it afterwards. 
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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Inexplicable

For some reason, this photo of people sleeping on a Tokyo subway was titled "House Party" on Flickr. 
It's neither a house nor a party.  Discuss.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Confusion

Dude, you're supposed to be pouring the beer on a chick's head and be in a hot tub, DUH.
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Monday, May 17, 2010

Classy Lady

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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Guy Most/Least Deserving of a Playboy Tattoo

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Friday, May 14, 2010

Corona Boner

The opposite of whiskeydick.

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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Game ON

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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sup, Dawg!?

So we were raging in this hot tub, and there was this cute girl who had been feeling me all night, and I figured "hey, I'll dump a beer on her head, and maybe she'll have to take her bikini top off cuz it will be all covered in beer." But then she just got super mad at me cuz her hair got all beer crusty, and everyone was pissed that there was beer in the hot tub and my boy Mikey,  who has this badass Jesus fish tattoo on his arm, kept saying that the yeast in the beer mixed in the hot water was going to give the girls yeast infections in their vaginas, and his mom is a nurse so I think he knows what he was talking about.   Whatever. Shit was off the hook!

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Thanks to sarcasticmeow for the pic.

Monday, May 10, 2010

My New Boyfriend

Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Tyler. We're in love.
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Friday, May 7, 2010

I Don't Cry When My Dog Runs Away

Obviously, the best part of this picture is that the green Sublime hat. He might not practice Santeria, but he certainly cast a sleeping spell on his buddy on the floor.  Remember when there was a popular song on the radio about date rape?  Alternative format radio in the 90s, I miss you.  Wish I could take a Dolorean back to 1997 and have your street team see the station bumper sticker on my ride and give me a prize.

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On a semi-related note, wanna know what the best-selling album on an independent label of all time is? "Smash" by the Offspring (on Epitaph). Roll that around in your brain melon for a bit.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

PEACE


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cinco de Mayo

A terrible and untrue stereotype about Mexicans is that they're lazy.  On this most patriotic day of Mexican pride, I would like to stand beside my tanner brothers and sisters and show my support.   I'd like to debunk this hateful stereotype by leading by example.  I'm a natural born, U.S. citizen, who loves my country so much that this is actually my diary (no joke!) wherein I write all my deepest secrets (sample entry: "sharted my pants today, threw underwear away in office bathroom"), and I'm showing how lazy I am by reposting my Cinco de Mayo post from two years ago.  That's some super lazy shit, and trust me - these colors do not run.  Suck on that, racists!

You only need one of the following items to have a great time: Pinatas, sombreros, and novelty-sized frozen drinks. But all 3 on one day? Only the Mexicans could have dreamed of a combination so sweet:






Put all 3 together, and you have this guy. Just livin' the dream:

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Twins!

OMG I totally have almost the same humidfier on the top of my bookshelf, except mine is a penguin and that's the panda. Both from the Totally for Babies and Not Grown Ups line of humidifiers.

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My humidifier:


P.S. fucking kill me now.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Party Tunes

Hey buddy, I like to hear my favorite songs too, but seeing a scene like this crowded around the iTunes is argument for subjecting your guest to the Time Warner cable "Party Favorites" channel on your TV. An eclectic mix of KC and the Sunshine band, "Shout" and Pink's "Get the Party Started" over and over should be punishment enough for these party life-suckers.

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