Saturday, July 31, 2010

Am I a Fag Hag?

One of my best friends is a gay man, which puts me at risk for being one of the more replusive things you can be: a faghag.  I like to think our friendship is based on mutual respect and admiration, and not the parasititc relationship where he's some neutered sassy accessory who I talk about clothes and men with.  I'll admit that we've gone shopping together, but I don't do gross things like talk about my love life or undress in front of him - just because he is also interested in men sexually doesn't change the fact that he's a Man.  I mean hey - my dad is a man who has no interest in fucking me, but that doesn't mean I would ask him if these jeans make my butt look good.  Because obvious, duhs.

He's just a great guy and a person I like spending time. We've been friends for years and years and I care about him deeply.  He's incredibly smart and hilarious (see exhibits A-Z), but has a deep and complex emotional life that I don't presume to understand.

But as much as I think we've avoiding the stereotypical pitfalls of faghagdom, the fact still remains that he's a gay guy and I'm a girl, so is it possible to completely avoid this?  Do I unconsciously treat him in a way that makes our friendship one-sided?  I just want to do right by him, and be the kind of friend he deserves.

Is this even possible?  Am I doomed to be like the person who deeply believes they're not a racist, but instinctively clutches their purse when they walk past a black man at night? Are we bound to this faghaggary cycle no matter what?  Is it just hopeless?


Thursday, July 29, 2010

In Communist Russia, Enegry Drinks YOU!

Have you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? The time machine is triggered by the effects of a black market Russian energy drink. Who'd guess that this drink really exists and is promoted by babes at a Russian beach wielding motorcross DVDs.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Great Idea!

Quick, someone get me the ad exec in charge of Andy Capp's Hot Fries on the phone. I came up with a brilliant tagline for a new commercial:

So good, you'll roofie the shit out of your girlfriend so you can have them all to yourself!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Half-Year Resolution

I gotta take up smoking. Look how cool it looks!

Teenage Caveman

My DEEP THOUGHTS are kind of on the same brainwavelength as an irritating 2nd grader, so a game I like to play a lot is called "who thought of that first?" Usually this goes back far enough to caveman times; things that are deeply ingrained in human culture, but are clearly culture, not nature. Like cooking an egg or eating the heart of an artichoke. Why would anyone look at an artichoke and think "maybe even though the leaves taste like poison and have sharp thorns, there might be something deep down there that's delicious if boiled and dipped in butter!"

I understand the biological impetus for genital copulation, but who was that first caveman who french kissed? Who looked over at Oog and thought, "golly, her gaping maw looks inviting - I'd like to put my mouth right on top of it and mush it around!" Or maybe there IS an biological imperative for mouth kissing - like the way birds instinctively know mating calls, maybe humans have a evolutionary instinct that says "I want to suck on the hole in your face where you stick your food in." I understand evolutionary biological reasons for why men are into big boobs and women are into guys that treat them like shit, but the kissing thing is still a mystery.

I mean.... would you want to stick your mouth on this?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Enough Already

Ok ok ok ok ok! Jeez! We get it, mom - you're getting laid tonight. You and Aunt Tina don't have to hire a fucking skywriter, ok? We all get it.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Your Date Has Arrived

Beam Me Up

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Bad Girls

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Location, Location, Location.

Look, pal, there's a time and a place for a sax solo. That time is during "Maneater", and the place is "never underneath your trucker hat on the shores of the Gitchee Gumee".

Or else like this:

Monday, July 19, 2010

Cat Party


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Boutiful Allah,

I have but one request:

More of this. Less of everything else in the world. Just this, over and over and over.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

God Is a DJ

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Cars, Cakes, Unicorns, Babes

Monday, July 12, 2010

My New Get Rich Quick Scheme

I've finally figured out how to turn this blog into a money-making machine. I'm charging $10 a pop for the chance to punch these handsome fuckers in the face. Who's first???

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Friday, July 9, 2010

Grumpy Old Man Does Not Care For Your Underwear Gyrating

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Lost and Found

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Faking Gay at a Straight Wedding

Heteros need to get over the thing where they think lesbianism is super sexy, and just leave it to real lesbians to be the only ones to get off on it. Because straights fuck everything up, just like Blink-182 sucking the life out of punk rock, and it's only leading to shit like this:
Do you understand? You are making gay people cringe with embarrassment. Knock it off!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Uncle Sam Wants You.. to Party (part 2)

As I wrote the title of that previous post, I had a weird feeling I had used that same phrase once before. Turns out, I did, for this post from July, 2008. Seemed appropriate to bring this cool dude out again for America's birthday:

"His favorite beer is Milkwaukee's Best. Check out his 12 pack stashed in the stairwell... I guess we all have a lot more in common with him than you thought, eh?"

Uncle Sam Wants YOU!