Saturday, May 30, 2009

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

I'm sorry mister sunburn, but have you never been outside during the summer before? Were you not aware of the sun's powers? Could you possibly be unaware of what would happen to your skin when you didn't apply sunblock at the beach?

Sunburns really don't get the credit they should for being the litmus test of total idiots. If you haven't figured out how the magic yellow orb in the sky works by now, you're screwed. There should be some sort of chart that measures up your level of sunburn with an equivalent density of fake spray tan; those two indicators probably measure about equally. For example, if you have just a light pink on your nose, that's about the same as using that Jergens tanning lotion - pretty reasonable, not off the deep end. But if you're a crispy lobster red, that same chip in your brain that tells you not to do stupid stuff is missing in the same place as George Hamilton's.



Ok, admittedly this theory needs some work. But at least agree that if you're a knucklehead like this guy, you probably believe this song is pretty DEEP:

Friday, May 29, 2009

Wasted and Evasive

You know how in high school when you snuck home drunk at 2am, and your mom was sitting up in the kitchen waiting for you? You'd try to pull it together and have a lucid conversation with her, but she could tell you were drunk like she had some 6th sense for it? It was almost as if there were a big sign over your head that said you were drunk or something.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Foreign Relations

I think that a lot of people maybe think that the U.S. has some pretty messed up ideas, but what they don't realize is that Uncle Sam too busy sexting and downloading sweet apps for his iPhone to think about stuff like that.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Hold Onto Tightly Your Friends

Like my mother always told me, a dick in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ageism

When some grandma gets tipsy and dances embarrassingly bad, everyone thinks "ah, I hope I'm that vivacious when I'm that age!" But if you're young and you inappropriately grind on a cater-waiter at your brother's wedding, then all of a sudden it's all "seriously, you need to get your life together." Someone's got to blow the whistle on this. I call double standards!

Party Planner

Why do I get the feeling that beer pong was her idea?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Tastes of Summer: Corona Bottle Bong



Sunday, May 24, 2009

Fridge Angel

Saturday, May 23, 2009

My First Beer Pong

Do you know how Tiger Woods got so good at golf? I can tell you it wasn't because he picked it up at age 40. His dad had him out on the green practicing since he was 2 years old. What do you think Nadia Comanci on for her 5th birthday? Have a party? Go out to Chuck E. Cheese? No way. She spent it practicing her triple salchows on the balance beam. If want your kids to make it to the top of the game, you gotta start them young.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Snoozefest

This photo doesn't really do the situation justice, because unfortunately it was taken just a few minutes before the penises and swastikas were drawn on her face.


Thanks to John for sending me the link to this photo.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Skidmarks

I like looking at pictures of losers partying because it makes me feel better about myself. So when I see some ridiculously good looking people having a ridiculously good time, I get infuriated. The only thing to calm me down is I focus on thinking about how most likely, in the last 2 years, they've had a really disgusting wet fart.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Snuggle Into My Beard

Living Room Jam Session

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wanna Fingerbang?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Take a Taste

Sunday, May 17, 2009

No Snooze Zone

Wake the fuck up! If you're under 23, you have NO EXCUSE whatsoever. Where do you have to be tomorrow, your internship??? Ooooh they're going to need you to do some very important photocopying. Yeah, better get your rest, sleepyhead.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Giving Bad Religion a Bad Name

Friday, May 15, 2009

Tiki Dreams

Mayoral Groovin'

Someone sent me a link to the blog All Over Albany that had this photo on Flickr of the mayor or Albany, NY getting white-man funky and a little handsy on some babes at some event called the Tulip Ball. On Wednesday, this picture was up on Flickr, but as of last night it had been taken down, presumably to preserve the dignity of elected officals.

Luckily I had already saved these already:


The remaining pictures are still on Flickr here.

On one hand, I love to neg on politicians for being creepy jerkfaces, but on the other hand, who am I, the mayor of the town in Footloose that outlaws dancing? I think this mayor should teach us a little lesson here, and that is that it's Friday, and you should go out and feel the liberty to dance really embarrassingly tonight. This is America - if you want to feel shamed for awkward grinding and bad white people dancing, then move to the USSR!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Homoerotic

Girls are always kissing each other to be outrageous in pictures, but they will never come withing shouting distance of the passion of how homoerotic this photo is:


On the other hand, this picture is such a snoozefest of heterosexuality it just moved to the suburbs and had a baby named Taylor:

Rave un2 the Year 2000

You know what's really fucked up about this picture? It's from 2007. Not 1997, 2007. What person who is 19 in the year 2007 thinks to themselves, "you know what subculture I can really get into? That same one my babysitter when I was 4 was into."

It's not that I can't buy that drugs and bad dancing have a certain staying power. My beef here is with the pacifiers and the plastic bracelets and the goofy whole rave style from 1995? How has that piece of the P.L.U.R. puzzle not died out?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Wedding Glasses

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Friendship Is the New Black!

If by black, you're referring to the hue of my soul, not the color of the garments I drape over my mortal shell.

Monday, May 11, 2009

USA #1!!!

Have you ever heard about Americans who say they're Canadian when they travel abroad? They're probably accepting of fat chicks.

My No-Fail Workout Plan Acai Berry Rapid Weightloss!!!

Do you like to exercise? If you're reading this blog, probably not.

Let me share with you my workout plan that will have you fit and ready for lycheetini bikini season!

1. A night, drink as much beer as you can without being totally shitfaced, but plenty soused. This is a very specific level to achieve; you may need years of trial and error to get this down. Stick to beer, because licker might make you too queasy the next morning, plus you'll need that beer-fueled carboloading for your big workout!
2. Sleep really late the next day (at least 11am). Eat eggs, toast, and 3 cups of coffee. And remember the 3 H's: hydrate, hydrate, hurl! (try not to hurl).
3. Watch half of a movie on TV that you've already seen before. It's important that you've already seen it, because you can only watch half (doesn't matter if it's the first or second half). Portion control, people! At this stage of the workout, you can't be peeled off your couch yet. This will help you reach the level of boredom you need to get to where you're actually willing to exercise because there's nothing else to do and you don't care about watching the end of the movie.
4. Now slip on your best jockstrap, because it's time for your workout!
5. Go jogging. At a gym or outside, doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter how long to run, as long as you work up a sweat. Feel the booze ooze out of your pores. This is the only time jogging actually feels good and the only way to actually get out of the bad feelings of a hangover.

Easy peezy! Now you can banish that bulge and give a break to your friends when they're lifting you for a kegstand:


If you're not convinced yet, just check out this photo of me and the results I've achieved with my personalized fitness regimen:


p.s. Thanks to Brad and Ben for these photos. You win a free one-on-one strippercize class with my mother (BYO thong leotard).

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Walgreens, You Geniuses

Brendan just posted a pic on his blog that he took on his cellphone of a Walgreens display that put folding tables, ping bong balls, and plastic cups all conveniently together in one place for easy beer pong shopping. Proud sponsor of the Brolympics.

Merchandising and target marketing at its finest.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Every Shade Of Orange You Ever Wanted

Friday, May 8, 2009

Collage

Remember in middle school when you always had a project to make a collage poster of magazine clippings about social studies or whatever? This photo is kind of like that, but of things that that disgust me:

1) pictures of someone else taking a picture
2) straw cowboy hats
3) ketchup
4) fake tans

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My New Favorite Passed Out Picture

I expect it from some college kids or bummed out looking dudes, so when well dressed bankers pass out in a fast food joint and heartlessly pour condiments on their friend's head, it's like falling in love all over again.



To make my heart flutter even more, this photo was taken by my old roommate, who apparently is amassing a collection of his own photos of strangers passed out in public, as I discovered when I got a notification on Facebook that he had tagged me in a photo, and I got all excited CUZ I'M VAIN and love pictures of myself, but it turned out to be a guy passed out on a bus with his head wedged against the front window.

He also has a really great idea for a bong tattoo.

My doppelganger is sleepy:

Mad!

Have you ever seen people who look like they're playing a caricature of themselves in a MadTV sketch?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Divorce Alert

You could get away with this look on your wedding day if your wife was some ska-loving, roller-derby, etsy shopgirl who would think it was charming and "totally us". But if this beaded princess is the girl of your dreams, then sir, I have grave concerns about the state of your union.


Thanks, Justin, for this pic.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinqo de Mayo Refresher

OH yes! Just what I needed - a cold refreshing Tecate served up by a scotching caliente asshole in a cowboy hat and some polka dot skidmark holders partying at Burning Man. En feugo!

True Love?

Could you ever, EVER imagine that in your life, there's someone you care about enough to get personalized beer labels made up for them? That's crazy devotion.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Mix and Match

Partying with my pal Polio is great because he invariably brings a bottle of maker's mark and a 20oz of Coke to swig out of one after the other instead of mixing, and then loudly insults other party guests. And the way you know someone is a generous friend is that he always offers me a swig, even though for years and years I always decline, citing my dislike of the taste of whiskey, non-diet Coke, and backwash. What can I say but Thank You For Being A Friend.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Goth Sunday in the Park

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Last Thing You See Before You Meet the Woman of Your Dreams

Slide up behind that gorgeous butterfly and buy her a drink. You've just found The One.

Friday, May 1, 2009

How to Decide Who Gets the Last Chunk of Meth