I'm sorry mister sunburn, but have you never been outside during the summer before? Were you not aware of the sun's powers? Could you possibly be unaware of what would happen to your skin when you didn't apply sunblock at the beach?
Sunburns really don't get the credit they should for being the litmus test of total idiots. If you haven't figured out how the magic yellow orb in the sky works by now, you're screwed. There should be some sort of chart that measures up your level of sunburn with an equivalent density of fake spray tan; those two indicators probably measure about equally. For example, if you have just a light pink on your nose, that's about the same as using that Jergens tanning lotion - pretty reasonable, not off the deep end. But if you're a crispy lobster red, that same chip in your brain that tells you not to do stupid stuff is missing in the same place as George Hamilton's.
Ok, admittedly this theory needs some work. But at least agree that if you're a knucklehead like this guy, you probably believe this song is pretty DEEP:
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wasted and Evasive
You know how in high school when you snuck home drunk at 2am, and your mom was sitting up in the kitchen waiting for you? You'd try to pull it together and have a lucid conversation with her, but she could tell you were drunk like she had some 6th sense for it? It was almost as if there were a big sign over your head that said you were drunk or something.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Foreign Relations
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ageism
When some grandma gets tipsy and dances embarrassingly bad, everyone thinks "ah, I hope I'm that vivacious when I'm that age!" But if you're young and you inappropriately grind on a cater-waiter at your brother's wedding, then all of a sudden it's all "seriously, you need to get your life together." Someone's got to blow the whistle on this. I call double standards!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
My First Beer Pong
Do you know how Tiger Woods got so good at golf? I can tell you it wasn't because he picked it up at age 40. His dad had him out on the green practicing since he was 2 years old. What do you think Nadia Comanci on for her 5th birthday? Have a party? Go out to Chuck E. Cheese? No way. She spent it practicing her triple salchows on the balance beam. If want your kids to make it to the top of the game, you gotta start them young.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Snoozefest
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Skidmarks
I like looking at pictures of losers partying because it makes me feel better about myself. So when I see some ridiculously good looking people having a ridiculously good time, I get infuriated. The only thing to calm me down is I focus on thinking about how most likely, in the last 2 years, they've had a really disgusting wet fart.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
No Snooze Zone
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Mayoral Groovin'
Someone sent me a link to the blog All Over Albany that had this photo on Flickr of the mayor or Albany, NY getting white-man funky and a little handsy on some babes at some event called the Tulip Ball. On Wednesday, this picture was up on Flickr, but as of last night it had been taken down, presumably to preserve the dignity of elected officals.
Luckily I had already saved these already:
The remaining pictures are still on Flickr here.
On one hand, I love to neg on politicians for being creepy jerkfaces, but on the other hand, who am I, the mayor of the town in Footloose that outlaws dancing? I think this mayor should teach us a little lesson here, and that is that it's Friday, and you should go out and feel the liberty to dance really embarrassingly tonight. This is America - if you want to feel shamed for awkward grinding and bad white people dancing, then move to the USSR!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Rave un2 the Year 2000
You know what's really fucked up about this picture? It's from 2007. Not 1997, 2007. What person who is 19 in the year 2007 thinks to themselves, "you know what subculture I can really get into? That same one my babysitter when I was 4 was into."
It's not that I can't buy that drugs and bad dancing have a certain staying power. My beef here is with the pacifiers and the plastic bracelets and the goofy whole rave style from 1995? How has that piece of the P.L.U.R. puzzle not died out?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friendship Is the New Black!
Monday, May 11, 2009
USA #1!!!
My No-Fail Workout Plan Acai Berry Rapid Weightloss!!!
Do you like to exercise? If you're reading this blog, probably not.
Let me share with you my workout plan that will have you fit and ready for lycheetini bikini season!
1. A night, drink as much beer as you can without being totally shitfaced, but plenty soused. This is a very specific level to achieve; you may need years of trial and error to get this down. Stick to beer, because licker might make you too queasy the next morning, plus you'll need that beer-fueled carboloading for your big workout!
2. Sleep really late the next day (at least 11am). Eat eggs, toast, and 3 cups of coffee. And remember the 3 H's: hydrate, hydrate, hurl! (try not to hurl).
3. Watch half of a movie on TV that you've already seen before. It's important that you've already seen it, because you can only watch half (doesn't matter if it's the first or second half). Portion control, people! At this stage of the workout, you can't be peeled off your couch yet. This will help you reach the level of boredom you need to get to where you're actually willing to exercise because there's nothing else to do and you don't care about watching the end of the movie.
4. Now slip on your best jockstrap, because it's time for your workout!
5. Go jogging. At a gym or outside, doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter how long to run, as long as you work up a sweat. Feel the booze ooze out of your pores. This is the only time jogging actually feels good and the only way to actually get out of the bad feelings of a hangover.
Easy peezy! Now you can banish that bulge and give a break to your friends when they're lifting you for a kegstand:
If you're not convinced yet, just check out this photo of me and the results I've achieved with my personalized fitness regimen:
p.s. Thanks to Brad and Ben for these photos. You win a free one-on-one strippercize class with my mother (BYO thong leotard).
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Walgreens, You Geniuses
Brendan just posted a pic on his blog that he took on his cellphone of a Walgreens display that put folding tables, ping bong balls, and plastic cups all conveniently together in one place for easy beer pong shopping. Proud sponsor of the Brolympics.
Merchandising and target marketing at its finest.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Collage
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My New Favorite Passed Out Picture
I expect it from some college kids or bummed out looking dudes, so when well dressed bankers pass out in a fast food joint and heartlessly pour condiments on their friend's head, it's like falling in love all over again.
To make my heart flutter even more, this photo was taken by my old roommate, who apparently is amassing a collection of his own photos of strangers passed out in public, as I discovered when I got a notification on Facebook that he had tagged me in a photo, and I got all excited CUZ I'M VAIN and love pictures of myself, but it turned out to be a guy passed out on a bus with his head wedged against the front window.
He also has a really great idea for a bong tattoo.
My doppelganger is sleepy:
Mad!
Have you ever seen people who look like they're playing a caricature of themselves in a MadTV sketch?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Divorce Alert
You could get away with this look on your wedding day if your wife was some ska-loving, roller-derby, etsy shopgirl who would think it was charming and "totally us". But if this beaded princess is the girl of your dreams, then sir, I have grave concerns about the state of your union.
Thanks, Justin, for this pic.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Cinqo de Mayo Refresher
True Love?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Mix and Match
Partying with my pal Polio is great because he invariably brings a bottle of maker's mark and a 20oz of Coke to swig out of one after the other instead of mixing, and then loudly insults other party guests. And the way you know someone is a generous friend is that he always offers me a swig, even though for years and years I always decline, citing my dislike of the taste of whiskey, non-diet Coke, and backwash. What can I say but Thank You For Being A Friend.