Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Like any cosmopolitan sophisticate, I can't stop crowing about how I claim a real live Swedish person as my good friend (not just Swedish-American, like from real Sweden). At first, I thought this would be a great platform for me to teach my foreign friend about America things, like professional wrestling or indoor plumbing. Frustratingly, those moments are very rare, whereas more often he embarrasses me by knowing the definition to English words that I don't know (today he taught me coprophagia).
Thankfully, the one-upping score tilts in my favor when my friend makes some sort of Swedish delicacy so that I can brag to other friends and acqaintances about how I have such an initimate knowledge of continental cuisine. This weekend, my friend made a fairly disgusting Swedish version of mulled wine called "glogg", which smells sickly sweet and boozy, like your alcoholic grandmother's used panties. Cultural appreication FAIL.
I immediately went to search Flickr for glogg photos. Imagine my surprise when this is this stereotype-defying picture is what I find of a Swedish "glogg" party:
Someone just sent me a few photos along with a brief description that I immediately skimmed through very quickly, eager to check out the pics. When I saw the phrase "check out the evil half-bat, half-pig monster!" I assumed it was referring to the guy with the mustache:
It was only when I reread it that I realized he was talking about the dog in the other photo:
And I think that is, officially, The Meanest Thing I've Ever Written on this Site.
It doesn't make me feel any better about myself.
Thanks to Peirrick of Surrender to Strangeness for these pics.
Monday, December 29, 2008
We've all been to a party we were the weird guest no one knew, a friend of a friend of a friend of the host. On one hand it's nice, because you figure no one is going to care if you act like a jerk or bad guest, taking beers from the fridge that you didn't bring or cutting in line for the bathroom. But in these Big Brother days, you have to consider that maybe someone is going to record your outlandish behavior anyway. Here's a great case of this, as explained in the description posted by the person who posted this photo on Flickr:
"I wish I could remember this guy's name. I do remember he passed out in the hallway and pissed himself. "
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
If you've ever seen photos of yourself at a party and been absolutely revolted, you're not alone. At the end of a night of partying, most of us have smeared eyeliner, pitstains, half-opened eyes, and are too busy talking about ourselves to be even within spitting distance of attractive. These few babes have managed to defy this rule, and actually manage to look both soused and saucy.
Hottest Guy Getting Photobomed by a Short Latino Man:
Monday, December 22, 2008
So this is the time of year when you're supposed to make an best of 2008 list, right? And since I'm fairly self-obsessed, I'm making a Sorry I Missed Your Party Best Of 2008 List. I started this blog last January, and over this past year, some pictures have stood out as head and shoulders above the rest. I want to honor these photos of outstanding moments in overindulgence and underachievement.
All this week, I'll be posting the best of the best in their respective categories. Here's the first big winners:
Best Guest Diversity at a House Party:
Best Vintage Drug Use:
(Click on each photo to see it in its original post.)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Personally, I believe the getting ready for a party - changing your outfit 8 times, doing your hair, asking your roommate if these pants makes you look too much like an 8th grade wigger - is 30% of the party-going experience.
In some cases, it's more like 80%.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
When I was in high school, my school had two different motivational speakers come and give lectures in the school auditorium. The first was the black guy from Baywatch - the guy who was always riding the ATV and helping out Hasslehoff. He gave an hour long speech about what it means to be an American, which centered around a metaphor of a living inside a giant mitten with a tiny hole in the side that keeps expanding if no one stops it. I'm pretty sure this image was lifted from a children's book about forest creatures who live inside a giant red mitten.
The second was a guy who spoke about the dangers of drugs and drinking. Imagine the Chris Farley character who lives in a van down by the river - that's pretty much how he looked and exactly how he talked. The most surreal moment of his lecture when was he announced, "Drugs have caused me to lose my hand!", and began to violently beat his hand against a table to prove it was a prosthetic hand. The troubling part of this was that he never explained exactly how drugs led him to lose his hand.
I figure if taxpayers' money is going to these chuckleheads to come to public schools, then I should be able to get in on the racket too. I could instruct impressionable youths on the nuances of hard partying. During my intensely motivational lecture, I would use these two photos in a sideshow to explain the fine line between the right and wrong way to look good while wasted:
Friday, December 19, 2008
Kendall sent me this picture and explained: "When I was a Freshman in college, I would routinely pass out on the counter in my dorm room with my head in the sink. Its nice to have a place where you can vomit and sleep all at once without needing to do laundry in the morning. This is one of those not so flattering occasions."
Now, my problem with this is that she's clearly cheating the system and making things too easy. Having the bed right next to the sink makes it so you never have to wake up on your bathmat because you fell asleep while waiting to puke in the toilet. I've got a grizzled New England Protestant work ethic mentality and firmly believe there's more honor in the struggle and suffering. Cutting corners will catch up with you in the end. You're supposed to be miserable and no task is too Sisyphean. Sure, I'd like to wear a diaper and shit in it all day instead of getting up to go to the bathroom, but I'm not going to.
When I see someone in delightfully comfortable sweatpants with an fantastic plan for making their life easier, I'm enraged. I'm not saying I'm not lazy (I am), I just believe in suffering and constant misery.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
This has all my favorite elements: a passed out guy, drunk jenga, a good variety of beers in tallboys, double thumbs up, and a cute girl being sneaky.
Thanks to my friend Rachel for the photo I found while lurking her Flickr account.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I was in London over the weekend, and I was kind of surprised to see how much better everyone dresses and looks than in New York. It kind of felt like if the popular kids from your high school got all fat and loserish and all the kids you shoved in lockers cured cancer and got great haircuts.
Speaking of high school reunions, I was recently sent this picture of "the popular kids" at their 20 year reunion. Still up to the same tricks, still having well-formed social skills and positive self-images, still driving you fucking nuts.
Monday, December 15, 2008
If the rule exists that girls can't get pregnant if they do it in a hot tub, does it also apply that doesn't make it gay if you snuggle another man in a 110 degree soup of your stewing bacteria and uric acid? Consider these sausage fests well cooked:
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Have you ever done something you knew was a bad idea but did it anyway? Recently, I ordered the "house speciality" at a Greek restaurant, which was a whole porgy fish. The thing about Greek food is that although the few well known basic dishes like tzatziki or moussaka are delicious, everything else is pretty much disgusting. And I'm Greek. When the waiter brought over the whole fish, eyes and teeth and fins and all, he actually laughed at my repulsed expression, saying, "oh yes, I see you would like I will take the face off for you! HOOPA!" I was only able to gag down one bite. It was fishy and oily tasting, and full of bones, like cunningus with a hedgehog aboard the Exxon Valdez. There's clearly a reason why you don't see porgy on a lot of menus. I knew it was a bad idea to order this, but I was feeling adventurous and wanted to try something new.
Here's a guy who has it written all over his face that he knows what he's about to do later tonight is a mistake, but he's going to do it anyway.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Did you know that the Stanley Cup hockey trophy goes "on tour" throughout the year? Each member of the team gets a day with the trophy. Some Detroit Redwings player decided to use his day with the cup to use it as a baptism font for his cousin's baptism. But mainly, it just makes appearances at various sports bars, where people can hold it, drink out of it, and party with it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I'm going to London tomorrow for a few days to party.
I am so scared of British girls. They look so tough and ready to beat me up.
When I was in college, I did a semester abroad in London. Studying abroad is really retarded and basically meant that I was pretty much the equivalent of these yuckster idiots:
Monday, December 8, 2008
Going out sucks. You know the only time you truly have real fun, like the kind of fun when you're out of breath and thinking to yourself "I am having so much FUN!" is when you're with your 3 other buddies in your bedroom dancing. There's a good reason that's why people dancing in their bedrooms is about 90% of the content on YouTube.
I was reminded of this fact today when Brendan Donnelly posted this video:
Untitled from misskeren on Vimeo.