Saturday, December 20, 2008

How to Look Good When You're Drunk

When I was in high school, my school had two different motivational speakers come and give lectures in the school auditorium. The first was the black guy from Baywatch - the guy who was always riding the ATV and helping out Hasslehoff. He gave an hour long speech about what it means to be an American, which centered around a metaphor of a living inside a giant mitten with a tiny hole in the side that keeps expanding if no one stops it. I'm pretty sure this image was lifted from a children's book about forest creatures who live inside a giant red mitten.

The second was a guy who spoke about the dangers of drugs and drinking. Imagine the Chris Farley character who lives in a van down by the river - that's pretty much how he looked and exactly how he talked. The most surreal moment of his lecture when was he announced, "Drugs have caused me to lose my hand!", and began to violently beat his hand against a table to prove it was a prosthetic hand. The troubling part of this was that he never explained exactly how drugs led him to lose his hand.

I figure if taxpayers' money is going to these chuckleheads to come to public schools, then I should be able to get in on the racket too. I could instruct impressionable youths on the nuances of hard partying. During my intensely motivational lecture, I would use these two photos in a sideshow to explain the fine line between the right and wrong way to look good while wasted:

Right:


Wrong:

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Are those two girls at someone's house or a bartending school?

Anonymous said...

I think you mixed up the "right" and "wrong" labels. HTH...

Tracer Bullet said...

If that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

enrique said...

i think both are right

kdub said...

Yeah, what? I was expecting something else entirely for the "wrong" photo. Like the chick wetting herself while dancing on the bar.

Anonymous said...

okay okay so that "wrong" picture...
they don't even look like they're enjoying it.
psh, posing for the camera.
tryina be katie perry.
that was an obvious "look i'm drunk (see evidence) and i'm kissing a girl! Commentz PlEaSe!!"

Shannon said...

Plus, the girl on the left is wearing a soccer mom white bra, which is popping out of her shirt. Not sexy.

Bill said...

You're so misguided Shannon...

matt said...

I vote WRONG

Billy Pilgrim said...

"And THAT'S WHY you don't take drugs!!!"

Was this motivational speaker J. Walter Weatherman, by any chance?

Kylie said...

Ha! As a high school Spanish teacher, I refer to this site frequently to remind my students that, like a diamond, a picture posted to the internet is forever. If you ever do speak motivationally, let me know- I'll book you.

Jeffrey Max said...

Greg Alan Williams came to my high school, too. I fell asleep during his speech.

Paul Petch said...

that is a hot rack!

Anonymous said...

#2 is exactly 3 times as hot as #1

Anonymous said...

That is SO right