In Communist Russia, Engery Drinks YOU!

Have you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? The time machine is triggered by the effects of a black market Russian energy drink. Who'd guess that this drink really exists and is promoted by babes at a Russian beach wielding motorcross DVDs.

Great Idea!

Quick, someone get me the ad exec in charge of Andy Capp's Hot Fries on the phone. I came up with a brilliant tagline for a new commercial:

So good, you'll roofie the shit out of your girlfriend so you can have them all to yourself!

Half-Year Resolution

I gotta take up smoking. Look how cool it looks!

Teenage Caveman

My DEEP THOUGHTS are kind of on the same brainwavelength as an irritating 2nd grader, so a game I like to play a lot is called "who thought of that first?" Usually this goes back far enough to caveman times; things that are deeply ingrained in human culture, but are clearly culture, not nature. Like cooking an egg or eating the heart of an artichoke. Why would anyone look at an artichoke and think "maybe even though the leaves taste like poison and have sharp thorns, there might be something deep down there that's delicious if boiled and dipped in butter!"

I understand the biological impetus for genital copulation, but who was that first caveman who french kissed? Who looked over at Oog and thought, "golly, her gaping maw looks inviting - I'd like to put my mouth right on top of it and mush it around!" Or maybe there IS an biological imperative for mouth kissing - like the way birds instinctively know mating calls, maybe humans have a evolutionary instinct that says "I want to suck on the hole in your face where you stick your food in." I understand evolutionary biological reasons for why men are into big boobs and women are into guys that treat them like shit, but the kissing thing is still a mystery.

I mean.... would you want to stick your mouth on this?

Enough Already

Ok ok ok ok ok! Jeez! We get it, mom - you're getting laid tonight. You and Aunt Tina don't have to hire a fucking skywriter, ok? We all get it.

Your Date Has Arrived

Beam Me Up

Bad Girls

Location, Location, Location.

Look, pal, there's a time and a place for a sax solo. That time is during "Maneater", and the place is "never underneath your trucker hat on the shores of the Gitchee Gumee".

Or else like this:

Cat Party

Dear Boutiful Allah,

I have but one request:

More of this. Less of everything else in the world. Just this, over and over and over.

God Is a DJ

Cars, Cakes, Unicorns, Babes

My New Get Rich Quick Scheme

I've finally figured out how to turn this blog into a money-making machine. I'm charging $10 a pop for the chance to punch these handsome fuckers in the face. Who's first???

Apathy